quickie

I’ve been reading all these books on low libido lately- mainly because I have more interest in salmon spawning, books, and food than sex, and have for about, what, two years? Three?

Anyone who has known me long-term knows how incredibly unusual- if not surreal- this is. I have been a slut for a long, long time. I even started early.

But- so things go. I’m working on the issue- trying yoga, dancing, aromatherapy, meditation, couples therapy, family therapy, individual therapy, a healthier diet, a diet of sensual aphrodisiac foods, homemade beauty products, tighter jeans, a new haircut, hot scented soothing baths, sci-fi erotica books. It’s a serious fucking effort to work towards wanting something that I used to want almost every minute of every day. Particularly at inopportune times, like Behavior Modification class or while driving to work.

I don’t even think about sex anymore. Just about why I should be thinking about sex. According to my mindfulness cognitive-behavioral therapy self-help workbook, this is called rumination. Instead of ruminating, I should eat oysters,  let the sex come to me.

So, I read a memoir by someone else who went through this. The woman had at least two chapters dedicated to trying out quickies in lieu of “real” sex,  the idea being that she could get through sex faster with less frustration, and thus keep her husband even though she’d rather eat a cupcake than fuck him. This was professional advice- to take a deep breath and hustle through.

I’d say leave him for a cupcake chef.

But here’s my quickie today: a quickie blog-post. Ain’t that hot. I try to do a couple each week, with one long slow blog post each weekend to make it seem spontaneous.

Unrelatedly (I hope), last night I dreamed that I birthed a tadpole out of a wound in my thumb.

Until then!

P.S.: Please Submit to Specter(s) Blog of Specter Magazine! I’m the editor of the blog now. See the call here.

P.P.S.: Also, check out the call for Fresh Meat: Trans and Queer Survivors on In-Community Assault that July Westhale and I are co-editing.

P.P.P.S.: I really, really want this Ray Troll drawing on a t-shirt:

7 thoughts on “quickie

  1. Fuck sex. No, really. Why must we punish ourselves for not wanting sex all the time? I’ve gone through phases my whole life, sometimes a voracious appetite, sometimes none at all. Ebb and flow. I really like to be left to my own body space A LOT of the time. This is important to my sanity, to my survival. I dont want to be fondled constantly, I dont want to be working towards an orgasm more than, oh, I dont know, twice a month maybe. …I too would rather eat, read, write, walk, hang out with my kids, take pictures, paint, and ruminate. I get intimate connection through hugs and snuggles with my kids or partner. Thinking about sex is just as good as having it as far as I’m concerned. Don’t sweat it, as they say. Let it go, as they also say. I don’t know who ‘they’ is, but they say a lot of great shit.

  2. I also want T-Shirt that says FUCK SEX. Ever seen Teeth? Lord, that movie made me happy. I dressed up as the main character for Halloween, complete with SEX IS DANGEROUS shirt and chocolate-syrup bloodied hacked up packer. Which the dog wound up chewing on. Then I informed L that I wouldn’t fuck him again until he married me.

    The problem is, whenever I feel that I’ve actually relieved myself of any pressure or possibility of having sex, I want to have it all the time. So that one lasted about a day.

    What I’d like, ideally, is for sex to be the highest of performance arts. I like elaborate costumes, paint, props, characters, special lighting, and a trunk of tools. Sex should be a happening- a significant event, creative, transformative, that leaves glitter ground into crevices and marks on the skin.

    And most of the time I want to be the star of it all.This is why I am sometimes called high maintenance.

    The zoo? With the grizzly bear? I want to go. Where is it?

    • The more relaxed I am, the less pressure put on me, the more I want to have sex. Being pawed at and made to feel guilty for not reciprocating the pawing, or for not being flattered by the pawing, makes me feel panicky, claustrophobic and resentful. ughhhh. Anyway, being given space so that I can be the one to instigate is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
      With ptsd, a lot of this heart stuff and sex stuff becomes head stuff. I understand why you want it to be a happening-creative, transformative, an art form -It’s body and mind alchemy and sounds healing and beautifully ritualistic. It makes total sense why you would want to be the star of these events, I’m sorry you are called high maintenance because of it. It actually all makes perfect sense to me.

      I havent seen Teeth, but I know what it’s about. Of course you dressed up as the main character. That’s hilarious…and scary. 🙂 I’m going to have to watch it now.

      The bears live at Woodland Park Zoo which is near where I live. They have a pretty large habitat, but there’s a salmon filled stream and a sleeping den where the glass wall is. We lucked out because it was a warm day and the bear wanted to swim and rub up against the glass. At one point it turned its head to face us with bared teeth just inches away from our own faces. My senses were heightened in a primal way, but having the glass there, knowing we were safe…..it was just a crazy feeling. A good one, though. You guys should come up for a zoo visit- I can get guest passes.

      • Okay. Did you say salmon? I am fucking obsessed with salmon lately. Salmon are some hard core survivors. Salmon are like the desert to me- they just make sense. I mean, they grow teeth, reconfigure their whole respiration and waste systems, get big and hooked-jawed and haul ass hundreds of miles upstream just to fuck, guard their nest, and die. That’s a hard damn life, and that’s a life that resonates with me.

        So when you say salmon filled stream and grizzly bear, you’re actually saying, y’all need to come to this ASAP. And we will be, for sure.

        Oh, the CF and I thing, the celebrant thing: http://www.celebrantinstitute.org/. I’m officially certified now, and I love the people that I met and learned from/with. It was an extremely nurturing experience, and I really hope to make an eventual career-like thing from it. That being said, it’s expensive and time consuming and really hard to start up a business. I also had some issues with the classes around gender and sexuality stuff, although they did make every effort to listen and respond to my feedback. If its a genuine interest of yours- and I can easily imagine it really resonating with you- consider planning it as a long term, expensive goal.

  3. Oh no. I just learned they’re not actually salmon, they’re trout. Doh. They looked like salmon to me and I just figured because, you know, this is the pacific nw. So maybe you have love trout? The bears sure do. Trout are guardian spirits in some cultures. Anyway, do come up. Here’s the grizzly cam from the zoo: http://www.zoo.org/page.aspx?pid=1869

    Regarding the celebrant thing: I have recently committed to a 2 week residential yoga teacher training in Leavenworth. I’ll soon be on my way to becoming a Yoga/IMT Therapist. It will also cost a fortune but will be more than worth it. The organization I’m training with is a non profit that does all sorts of work in the community, including hospice work at the Bailey -Boushay House. I tear up just driving past that place, I CANNOT wait to be able to work there. This is the direction for me right now, this is how I can also heal myself and live the kind of life I want. Here’s an interview with one of my teachers, I’m inspired beyond measure. http://samaryacenter.org/assets/IYM08.pdf

    p.s. I love how you write about salmon and bears- had to do a quick read of the bear list as I have a very busy day ahead of me. Some of my favorite writers tend to lean on the side of half assed naturalist….meaning, it’s not necessarily through their vocation but through theyre life experiences that they became so entwined with the natural world. This element you bring to the table with your writing is really powerful and an emotionally primal way for us readers to connect with you. I fucking love nature. For me, nature is god.

    p.p.s.
    I am trying to start posting on my blog. Am i doing it right? wordpress is becoming a bit more than I bargained for. might go running back to blogspot

    • Okay, there might be a problem with the wordpress thing, because I have seen no posts? It might be my feed. I just signed up by email- beautiful poem, btw.

      So glad to hear about the yoga training. Sounds like something that will connect with you on multiple levels.

      Ever read Robert Lopez? I recently read Desert Notes and River Notes. If that’s nature writing, that’s what I want to do. Janice Lee is someone else to watch out for along these lines- Daughter is the book of hers that I’m reading now. Also reading lots of animal based myths, stories, and fables. Not sure where it’s all going but enjoying sketching here in the meantime.

      I admit that I turn my nose up at trout. I shouldn’t turn my nose up at trout. Trout have done nothing to me- they’re just not salmon. The grizzly bear is worth coming for alone, my trout-snobbery aside.

      My salmon steward class is tonight, and I cannot remember the word for fish that live in saltwater but spawn in freshwater. But trout are that, yes? Three spiked sticklebacks, too. Anadromous!

      • I want to read all the books you mentioned. I want to submit to the spector blog. I dont know….I’m not as big a fan of the literary arts as you are. I mean, I am a fan but I possess a mere fraction of your drive and passion for it. I have a stronger pull to music and visual stuff. I just want to sing and paint again. I feel like I need to stop spreading myself so thin and just focus, stop with this jack-of-all-trades business. However, I noticed you like Naropa’s writing progam and I have been pining for that school for years. I would do their summer program in a heartbeat. that’s my dream school right there!

        Maybe I’ll submit something to you then you can give me your honest opinion.

        I had to look up anadromous. I thought you were saying farewell or cheers in another language. 🙂 Anadromous!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: