My transition, v2.0 “Elephino” in ten steps
I stopped taking testosterone in May of 2009. Started taking estrogen and progesterone, in the form (somewhat ironically) of birth control pills, two weeks ago. This wasn’t exactly voluntary- more of a hemorrhage/polyp-based decision. There are only so many times a month that I’m willing to pass out from blood loss, ya know? But I have that “HRT” feeling- a new transition. A transition to what?
You know that joke, about combining an elephant and a rhino?
My transition, v2.0: the hell if I know.
These are the steps:
First, I need to stop bleeding quite as much.
Second, the polyp needs to resolve. Cause it’s sounding like a polyp plus big hormone changes like starting T equals increased risk of cancer.
The polyp and the cyst also mean that getting knocked up again is a struggle. More of a struggle, I should say, beyond the regular struggle, wherein a) I’m monogamously partnered with someone who lacks the faculties, b) we don’t have the money to buy it off someone, and c) we’re not actually in a good place for having a child, and are unlikely to be for quite some time.
So the third step is accepting that I will only give birth to one child. A child who will never quicken in my gut or watch me with bright eyes as he breastfeeds or sleep in my arms for a year solid ever again.
The fourth step is accepting that the birth experience that I had is the only one that I will have. It was not a good experience; I expected a do-over. Not going to happen.
The fifth is performing/reading as TT Jax in a multitude of genders.
The sixth is coming to terms with and grieving the girl/woman that I was and wasn’t.
The seventh is starting transition to a “male”-er appearance herbally, and later, if desired, by cream.
The eighth- way down the line, when I can afford it- is having a breast reduction instead of top surgery, so that binding is not over-the-top painful, I have something to do drag with, and no one cuts off the parts of me that so miraculously fed my child.
The ninth- an ongoing step- is to write through the grief/celebration/release of all the previous steps.
The tenth is to honor each of these steps with ceremony.
In other words: bleed, cry, let go, make art, and move slowly and mindfully with honor.